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Commitment as a Husband and a Father

Mar 10, 1997
Peter Falkenberg Brown

I'm single and my girlfriend is divorced with three children. I'm confused, as she probably can't give me a child, but I really love her. Should I continue my relationship and become husband and wife? Or should we not see each other, and let our relationship die?

What is true love, after all? Since you say that you really love her, I have to assume that you want to bring her joy, and also want to care for her children, whom she undoubtedly loves very much. Her children must also need a loving father to take care of them. Is having your own physical children more important than the unselfish love that you hopefully feel for her and her children? There's no question about it -- marry her, and care for her with all your heart. Raise her children as your own, and build a family based on selfless commitment.

I am a 38 year old Hispanic married man, father of two beautiful girls (5 and 8 years old.) My marriage has been very difficult since the beginning and we were married 12 years ago. My wife is mean sometimes even with the kids. I think she has little or no respect for me. Sometime she behaves lovely but when I disagree with her she becomes angry and talks to me in a very unpleasant voice. Her face, voice and expression change completely and she starts using nasty vocabulary. She even gets violent and starts to hit me, at the beginning I refused to hit her back but sometimes I can't control myself. I responded and I hit her back on several occasions.

We both work and she demands a lot from me, she doesn't take care of the house, complaining she works very hard or doesn't have time. I do most of the cooking, the cleaning inside and outside the house, and still it is not enough for her. I don't believe in divorce and I don't want to leave the kids, that's probably the reason why I stay. But things get very tough. I can't explain all the details here, but I hope you would give some advice on how to handle this kind of situation. Maybe you can give my wife some kind of advice. I appreciate your help. Thank you very much.

You have a difficult cross to bear -- my heart goes out to you! It is always hard when the other spouse doesn't respond, or doesn't accept responsibility for creating a harmonious relationship. It would seem that with the heart that you've expressed, your two girls really need you as their father, to love them, and give them stability of heart. Stay for their sake, and stay for your wife's sake as well. It's similar to being a rock in the ocean. With the waves breaking all around, and the storm beating against the rock, you, as the rock, have the opportunity to save your family from drowning. They'll cling to you as their savior and their "heartistic" doctor. What will happen to the hearts of your daughters if you left? It's unthinkable.

Fighting with your wife, and responding in anger, to the degree of hitting her back, will create serious damage to the heartistic atmosphere in your family, your own heart and spirit, and the hearts of your children. Granted, you have a very difficult situation. An aggressively loving approach, combined with heartistic education, may help your wife understand the value of harmony and unselfish love. Praying for your wife, and praying to gain more strength to love her, is something that you may wish to consider.

I recommend that you both attend some type of marriage program, where you'll have a chance to really communicate with each other, and where she'll have a chance to learn new methods of relating with you and the children. It's difficult to progress, sometimes, without real, solid education of heart. My best wishes to your family.

Peter Falkenberg Brown is passionate about writing, publishing, public speaking and film. He hopes that someday he can live up to his favorite motto: “Expressing God’s kind and compassionate love in all directions, every second of every day, creates an infinitely expanding sphere of heart.”

~ Deus est auctor amoris et decoris. ~

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