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Hair Loss and World Peace

Jun 25, 2010
Kimmy Sophia Brown

I don’t know how the topic of hair loss came up that day, but it did. Why did Daddy lose his hair? He was born with hair. He had hair through his boyhood. Even through his twenties. But then the hair began to bail. Why? Why do perfectly happy heads suddenly abandon their hair? It is usually not a conscious decision unless the man is a buff, ripply, weight lifter and he just doesn’t want to be bothered with hair. Then he shaves his head to either appear intimidating or because he doesn’t want to be bothered with using a comb. When you’re always lifting weights that means you’re always wearing gym shorts. Where do you put the comb? It’s very problematic. There’s only one or two places. And we don’t want to discuss that right now.

I have a theory that I think logically explains the process of involuntary hair loss. Science teaches us that the DNA within each individual human being is the key to understanding their inherited physical characteristics. As we all know, we are born with a predetermined number of hairspools located in our skulls. The color in the top-most spools contain what we call our original hair color. Hairspool distribution centers have DNA databases that they use to ration the supply of hairspools and hair color. Therefore, each person is given a certain number of hairspools which are dyed to a color correspondent with their DNA. After they’re installed, each person gets additional undyed hairspools that are usually plain white or gray in color. That’s why when the colored hair runs out after fifty or so years, the hairspool mechanism reverts to using the remaining white or gray spools.

Hairspool processing laboratories depend on federal funding, as we all know. Therefore hairspool installation facilities often have limited supplies. Since women seem to be more perturbed than men by hair loss, these agencies follow legislation that defers hairspool supplies in greater numbers to baby women than baby men. Thus, after an unknown number of years, the male hairspools simply run out of hair.

An angry bald manEmpty spools in male heads then begin to knock together causing mild disorders in male brains. The subtle yet continuous impact of the knocking spools creates escalating irritation that causes some males to exhibit more aggressive behavior than others. This may happen because of spool size. Some men assume that their spool sizes are bigger than other men’s. This belief causes many altercations that result in points on their driver’s licenses and occasionally, in prison time.

Also, headaches caused by empty spools in the brain are very hard to treat. Some men, in desperation for relief, smash cool beer cans against their foreheads.

It’s possible that men who would like to have new hairspools installed later in life can visit their physicians who must obtain spool samples from them, to determine if this is possible. New hair spools can sometimes be installed in mild-mannered men, but in more aggressive cases, the constant rattling of brain spools causes irreversible damage. In this case, surgical sponges can be purposely left in the brain to supply cushioning between the spools. This will not heal the aggressive tendencies in affected males but will help with headache discomfort. It will also slow down the already crawl-paced thinking processes to help aggressive thoughts become less intense and less frequent.

Research scientists at the Mayo Clinic are currently working with volunteer prisoners held by Al-Qaeda and Pentagon operatives to determine whether surgical brain sponges can be used as a new tool for establishing world peace. Researchers hope that eventually, proof of the link between hair loss and world peace may be established, and that remedies to solve both problems will result in more “good hair days” and peace on earth, good will to men (and women!), and more liberty and hairspools for all. You can write to your senator or congressman to appeal for more federal funding for hairspool distribution centers. You will be able to see the proof of your tax dollars at work! Stay tuned for more on this story.

Image(s) from Wikimedia Commons
Original non-cropped, public domain cartoon by
Thomas Nast, Harper's Weekly, May 4, 1872, of Horace Greeley

Kimmy Sophia Brown has loved humor and music and freedom for as long as she can remember.She is especially passionate about the environment and caring for animals.

She writes the column "From the Back Porch" as well as reviews of music in her column "MusicViews". Her goal in her music reviews is to introduce music she loves to people who may not have heard that particular artist or CD. For information about how to submit a CD for review, click here.

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