DEAR PETER:
My wife and I recently separated for about a week. I left
because she informed me that she was intending to leave. She insists that we only married as expecting parents and rebounding from other
relationships.
I don't feel this way. Until now I have never told my
wife how much I truly loved her. My arrogance told me, that she
would always be here and I didn't care one way or the other. Last
week (HELL WEEK) I was extremely unstable. I begged and pleaded with
my wife that I wanted to come back and reconcile our marriage.
She has finally conceded to allowing my presence in our home, however
she remains cold and verbally doubtful of our marriage lasting. I am
trying my best to express my undying love for her, and it only
appears to be bouncing off of her. She halfheartedly agrees to try,
but she shows no signs of desire to do so. I'm afraid that she wants
to end our relationship and destroy our family of two children. Last
week I felt empty and suicidal.
I want this to work, but even though
I'm back I can not shake the fear, persistence, and emptiness. I am
normally very self reliant and stable but the anxiety of not being
able to reach my wife is on my mind constantly. Should I have forced
my self to stay away and painfully try to move on?
Darryl
DEAR DARRYL:
I'm a firm believer in never giving up on a marriage
relationship unless there is severe physical abuse or some other
type of criminal behavior going on, or other extreme problems.
Since you said that you had never told your wife how much you
loved her, she undoubtedly must be very hurt. That kind of pain
takes time to heal, but most importantly, it requires a real change
in you -- one that she can believe in. She also has to see and feel
your love for her.
I'd recommend that you place yourself in the most humble
position you can to her. This may sound new to Westerners, but in
the orient they have a tradition of bowing all the way to the
ground, kneeling and placing their forehead upon their hands. In
Korea they call it the 'kyung bae'.
It is a bow of complete respect, love and humility. Korean
children often bow that way to their parents or grandparents. Many
husbands and wives bow that way to each other, on a weekly basis. It
fosters respect, admiration, humility and love.
I once offended my wife, and resolved her feelings by kyung
bae'ing 21 times in front of her. The first 7 or 8 times, she got
even angrier, because she didn't think I was sincere. After
about 15 times, we both started to cry, and at the end she felt
cleansed of her anger toward me.
Your wife has painful feelings or 'baggage' toward you.
Repentance toward her is the first step; the next is to demonstrate
that you are acting differently.
Unless she has already remarried, I would expend all the effort
you can to restore the love she once felt for you; both for your
sake, her sake, and the sake of your children. Don't give up --
instead save the love of your family at all costs. What else is more
important than that?
DEAR PETER:
My son and my stepson are both 5 years old. Derek only visits
every other weekend.
They are in competition with each other from what color their
popsicles are, to tonight's bowling game. They are driving me crazy!
Jennifer
DEAR JENNIFER:
Competition like that seems to go with the territory. It's not
just because they're step-brothers. The big job for us as parents is
to teach our children on a daily basis how to express love to each
other, and how to develop a real feeling of affection for each
other. Since they're only five, though, you do have a long way to
go.
