Love: we hear and use this word every day. However, rarely do we think
about what this word really means. Love is hard to explain and easy to
recognize. My natural personality style is that of a director. Although my
intention is never to hurt anyone, my past actions have resulted in a few
strained relationships. With time and financial pressures, occasionally I gave
more importance to getting the job done than to my sensitivity to others. This
approach has neither served me well in my personal life nor in my professional
life.
To turn things around, I set out to work on myself. I wanted to
become a more loving and gentle person. In this process, I have interviewed
four women, who I consider to be very loving. They are: Jan Born, of The Cool
Plant Lady, Elaine McGillicuddy, founder of the Portland Yoga Studio, Jessica
McKneally, Yoga teacher, and Deborah Knighton Tallarico, co-director of the
Spiritual Renaissance Center.
McGillicuddy emphasizes, “Love is everything.” She explains,
“It is the whole purpose of life. It helps us in the choices that we make and
how we spend our time. My late husband, Francis, showed his unconditional love
for me. I was able to cater to him because of it. We could be there for each
other.” Loving helps us to nurture good relationships. It enables us to be more
productive and to live happier and more peacefully.
McKneally says, “Love is the essence of life. There are two
kinds of love. One is conditional and the other is unconditional.” Tallarico
describes the difference between conditional love, which is personal, and
unconditional love, which is divine or universal. She says, “Personal love has
attachment. Divine love and universal love do not have boundaries. Love is
something that radiates from the heart. It is very spiritual. It is vibration.
Love is the glue that holds everything in the universe together. When love is
around, everything opens like a flower.” Universal love is to love people of
all beliefs, colors, looks, ages, and genders.
What happens if we do not love? Born explains, “If we do not love,
other emotions such as fear, anger, or sadness fill the void. If we connect
with fear, anger and sadness we get back the same and disconnect ourselves from
love. Love has profound divine presence. Love is healing. It is a balm. When a
baby is hurt, the mother says let me kiss it, and the baby feels that it is
healed. Love comes in to us and goes out of us. Being human, we are not happy
all the time. However, if we dwell in fear, anger and sadness, it becomes a
habit.”
It is easy to love when we are at peace. The challenge is to love
others when we are under stress. Self-awareness and meditation help us to
prevent negative reactions to stressful situations and to hold that calm,
loving place. The other day, while waiting at a stoplight, a man wanted to move
into my lane and I did not notice. When the light turned green, I started
driving. That man was yelling and screaming at me. I let him go first with a
smile, and I kept my peace. Hopefully my response calmed him down.
At times loving another can feel difficult. Born suggests, in such
a situation: “If someone is in your face, you need to realize that it is not
about you, it is about that person. You may ask, what have I done to aggravate
you to act like this?” Tallarico says, “If something really irritates me, I
stop and look at myself. Why is this irritating me? What is this person
reflecting back to me? Is it showing me a part of me that I have not loved in
myself? When we are in a bad mood, everything looks bad. Everything mirrors. It
is a law of resonance. We must strive to have compassion and understanding of
what the other person may be going through. We can nurture our hearts by
loving-kindness or imagining a flame that radiates energy outward.”
McGillicuddy shares, “My teacher, Dr. Neil Douglas-Klotz, is a
very loving person. He values people genuinely and accepts them with all their
voices.” McGillicuddy quotes Jean Houston who wrote that we can see someone who
is not naturally attractive and say to ourselves “I know you! - God in hiding.”
Tallarico believes that “Unconditional love is possible.” She explains,
“Love is connected with unity and oneness. I believe we are all connected. When
I believe this, whatever I see in a person, it is a reflection of some part of
myself. Unconditional love of someone goes hand in hand with unconditional love
of oneself. We are always mirroring each other. When I see someone being
irresponsible, my heart goes to that person and I say maybe that person didn’t get
structure as a child. Maybe that person never learned how to be responsible.
Maybe that person doesn’t love him or herself enough and is self-destructive.
Love is not about what that person does. It is about who that person is, about
loving that person’s Soul. You can see the Soul beyond the irresponsibility and
love all. Unconditional love of oneself is the key to unconditional love of
another.”
At a young age, Born had her own revelation on the importance of
loving herself. She recalls, “I see you and me the same. I see a homeless
person the same. We are all the same. When I was sixteen, I had a relationship
with someone, and I was gifted with a profound thought - before you go any
further, you need to love yourself. I contemplated on it and started thinking
how can I learn to love myself? I decided to BE love. Through a process of
several months, I became love. When you love yourself, you are plugged into the
Source energy and you don’t deviate from it.”
McKneally’s friend, Traca, expresses love for herself as well as
all beings. McKneally says, “One could feel how open Traca’s heart is when you
are around her. Anybody in her presence feels welcome. She accepts all people
unconditionally no matter who they are or where they are at.”
A loving person has traits such as presence, acceptance, kindness,
patience, generosity, gratitude, honesty, forgiveness, courtesy, gentleness,
humility and empathy.
Presence: On being present, McKneally says, “The best way to
express love is to be present for people. If I am on the phone, it is very rare
that I am also doing the dishes or something else. When I am with someone, they
have my undivided attention. Otherwise it feels very unloving.” McGillicuddy
adds, “A loving person will give the person they are speaking with attention
and will put that person ahead of him or herself.”
Acceptance: As love begins with Self, acceptance begins with
self-acceptance. McKneally suggests, “People who feel that they don’t have a
loved one need to first experience it within themselves. When we accept and are
compassionate with ourselves, it becomes easy to be in a relationship with
another person. No one can provide love for one, if that person can’t provide
for self. Looking for love outside continuously makes one disappointed."
McGillicuddy adds, “Each person has something unique to give that is needed. We
need each other’s gifts. We need each other. Not only do we need to accept
others, but we also need to accept ourselves.”
Kindness: Tallarico uses Mother Teresa as an example, “In her
presence, I felt her whole energy was humbling and healing. Loving is being
aware and sensitive to another person. Loving is deeply caring about another
being. It is about being in a sacred relationship with that person, about
honoring and respecting them.” McGillicuddy says, “Love is more than being
happy with ourselves and loving people around us. True love includes concern
for justice and peace for all.”
Patience: McKneally shares, “When you feel connected with God,
you feel everything is love. Once you get the glimpse of it, it is a motivating
factor to get back in that state. With patience, through spiritual practices
one can maintain that state of bliss.”
Tallarico advises, “Loving is a practice of life and a conscious
choice. When I catch myself not loving enough, I recognize that I am impatient
with myself; hence I am impatient with others. It is important to love all
parts of ourselves.”
Generosity: McKneally says, “My mother-in-law goes out of her
way to make sure that people around her are very comfortable. She does it with
love and joy and without expecting anything in return. My friend, Traca, is
very generous with her time and energy. She radiates a universal love that does
not judge or have requirements. “
Gentleness: People are of different personalities and
temperaments. Some people are very sensitive. I realized the importance of
communicating with sensitivity to others’ feelings. Treating others, as they
would like to be treated, will help me in becoming a more loving person.
Courtesy: I take an extra few seconds to wait for the person
behind me and hold the door open. Small acts to express gratitude for people
who have helped us, such as sending flowers and thank you notes will brighten
our lives.
Honesty: Being truthful in all situations, even if it comes with a cost, is
the best way to happiness in the long run. We love ourselves when we are
truthful. People respect us and our self-esteem is enhanced.
Forgiveness: I do not hold animosity toward anyone. A few people
disliked some of my actions over the years. I recently called these people and
asked for their forgiveness. It did not matter whose fault it was. I feel
lighter and freer without that negative energy. They were appreciative of my
call. Even if I feel that someone has hurt me, I forgive and move on. I think
maybe the conditions they were brought up in or current struggles that they are
facing probably made them act like that.
Through interviewing these women, I have found them to be very
wonderful, energetic, simple, radiant, confident and content. I have learned
that by loving and accepting ourselves, we will feel love for others. Loving is
a continuous practice.
As a result of my recent work, I have found that my relationships
are getting stronger. For example, my teenage daughter recently wrote to me,
“Daddy, you are the best dad that I could hope for.” One of my colleagues, who
usually sees things differently from me, told me that she liked the way I was
more open to suggestions from others. A good friend told me that I am much more
empathetic now. My children and I started sharing kind things that we have done
for others each day. This brings us joy and reinforces bonds between us. Thus,
by loving others, we will have positive relationships and live happier lives.
Since we see things as we are, when we are happy, we see the goodness
in others. Let us love more and live more.
